Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
