So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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