Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
And then he peed in my hair
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