I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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