I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
