so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
