I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
