i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
