she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
