sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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