it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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