if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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