I love black thongs
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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