you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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