My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
