best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
