There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
