My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
