Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
