3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I love having hate sex.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
