i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
