cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
