Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
