Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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