The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
