I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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