Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
