I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Randomize
