The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
