so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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