FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
