its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Vodka?
Forever.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
