It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
