I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
