He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
