After last night, I could never be a politician.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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