I showed him my bush... on skype.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
