im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
