I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I need moral support for this bender
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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