All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
