I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
