I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
