Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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