i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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