Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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