dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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