Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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