Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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