Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
