yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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